The Unhinged Series: Navigating Life's Needs with Sims Bars, Grindr and The Ethical Slut

"People are not things; they are not objects to be used. People are beings to be appreciated."

— The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy

Disclaimer: Welcome to "The Unhinged Series," a space where I share my raw, unfiltered thoughts and feelings. This is my personal sandbox for processing emotions and ideas that I might not discuss openly in everyday life. Some reflections might be exaggerated or understated, and they may not fully represent who I am in person. If you know me and find this changes your perception of me, I understand. I invite you to read with an open mind.

Recently, I started thinking: what if life were like The Sims? In the game, characters have needs shown as bars—like hunger, energy, social interaction, and fun. Inspired by The Ethical Slut, which suggests that different people can fill our needs in unique ways, I wondered: could tracking my needs in a similar way reveal what really fills me up and what drains me? So, I decided to try living with my own “needs bars”: intimacy, connection, social energy, solitude, fulfillment, and self-image.

Of course, this was a bit of a cold way to approach something as complex as emotions. The Ethical Slut encourages us to see people beyond what they can provide and instead appreciate each connection for its own sake. Real life isn’t a set of bars we can just refill or drain at will—it’s messier, deeper, and way more unpredictable. Still, the experiment gave me many interesting insights that I’m sharing today.

The Experiment

For a week, I watched how different experiences filled or drained these bars. It might seem a bit cold to reduce feelings to numbers, and honestly, it's not a way I'd recommend living. But it helped me understand my emotions a bit better.

Here's how different moments affected my "needs bars":

🫶 Quick Encounter (+3 Intimacy, -2 Self-Image)

One evening, I met someone through an app. The physical closeness gave my intimacy bar a +3 boost. But afterward, I felt a -2 drop in self-image. It was a temporary comfort that left me feeling emptier than before. It made me realize that quick fixes don't really meet my deeper needs.

This brings me back to The Ethical Slut. In it, Easton and Hardy talk about the importance of honesty and intentionality in our relationships. They encourage us to look past temporary encounters and instead explore deeper connections, ones that add meaning rather than fleeting comfort. The experience taught me that while casual encounters can be fun, they don’t always leave me with the fulfillment I’m looking for.

💪 Unexpected Compliment at the Gym (+4 Self-Image)

While taking a photo at the gym, someone said, "You're making great progress!" That unexpected kindness added a +4 to my self-image bar. It warmed my heart and reminded me how powerful small acts of kindness can be. These moments happen without planning and mean so much. It felt genuine—a small gesture that impacted me more than I would’ve expected.

The Ethical Slut encourages us to embrace the moments where others see value in us. According to the authors, accepting these moments openly, without dismissing them or downplaying them, is part of learning self-acceptance. Instead of brushing off the compliment, I chose to take it in. This experience reminded me that sometimes, kindness from others is like a mirror, showing us qualities we might overlook in ourselves.

🐖 Treating Myself (-1 Self-Image, +3 Fulfillment)

After reaching a fitness goal, I decided to treat myself to some Cinnabons. Eating them gave me a +3 in fulfillment—it was pure joy in the moment. But later, I felt a -1 in self-image, wondering if I'd set back my progress. This was one of those moments of pure indulgence that felt amazing until self-doubt crept in. The Ethical Slut encourages us to embrace pleasure, recognizing that guilt around enjoyment can hold us back from fully living.

This experience made me wonder: why do I sometimes question my right to enjoy myself? Fulfillment and self-image don’t always align, and maybe they don’t have to. In the end, self-compassion allows us to live without guilt. I may have taken a detour from my goals, but it reminded me that enjoyment is essential too.

🫂 An Unexpected Connection (+5 Connection, +3 Fulfillment, +2 Self-Image)

I met someone new through an app, expecting just a casual meetup. Instead, we spent hours talking and sharing thoughts and feelings. My connection bar soared by +5, fulfillment increased by +3, and self-image improved by +2. We met again later, focusing on emotional connection rather than anything physical. Agreeing to spend time together without expectations added a lot to my sense of fulfillment.

To be fair, this experience made me appreciate the book’s lessons about depth in relationships. The Ethical Slut suggests that intimacy is as much about intellectual and emotional closeness as it is about the physical. This connection reminded me that not everything has to be defined—sometimes being present and letting a connection unfold without a plan is good enough.

The Learnings

Reflecting on this experiment, I realized that turning emotions into numbers doesn't capture their true depth. Life isn't a game, and people aren't there just to fill our needs.

In The Ethical Slut, the authors encourage us to embrace the full complexity of relationships by being honest with ourselves and others. They remind us to appreciate people for who they truly are, not just for the roles they play in fulfilling our needs. So, while it might be tempting to live like a Sim with simple, fillable bars, real connection asks for something deeper—respect, understanding, and acceptance that can’t be quantified.

This week showed me that while quick encounters might offer immediate gratification, they often leave me unfulfilled. Genuine connections, though less predictable, have a deeper impact. Being open can lead to meaningful experiences.

I've learned that depending only on others to fill my needs isn't the best path. While compliments and connections feel great, true confidence and fulfillment need to come from within. Balancing my desire for connection with self-care is important.

The book also reminds us that self-acceptance is the foundation of healthy relationships. It encourages finding peace with ourselves rather than seeking constant validation from others. This has been a challenging lesson for me, as I often look outside myself to feel whole. Realizing this was a reminder that the most stable connection we have is the one with ourselves.

Moving Forward

Living life as if I'm a Sim character isn’t sustainable. While this experiment helped me see some patterns, it’s not how I want to keep approaching life. Embracing my feelings without trying to quantify them feels more authentic.

"Honesty is the best policy, but it's more than that: it's a state of mind. It's a commitment to living in the world as it really is, and allowing others to do the same."
— The Ethical Slut

I'm choosing to acknowledge my feelings and let them be complex and messy. Life is unpredictable, and that's what makes it meaningful. Real connections happen when we're open to them and willing to embrace uncertainty.

Thank you for joining me on this journey. Writing this has been a vulnerable experience, and I won’t lie—it’s made me question myself. If you know me and see me differently after reading, I understand. Sharing these thoughts feels risky (please, please, please, don’t raise this blog in person, it’s a bit embarrassing) but it’s also a way for me to process, reflect, and hopefully grow.

We're all finding our way through our emotions. Maybe by being honest about our struggles, we can find understanding and empathy within ourselves and with each other.